My Best Friend

I wish you were still alive. Fuck… why did you have to go? My brother, my heart, my fucking best friend! I had tried everything, everything possible to keep you safe. I used to keep telling you, keep warning you, keep pleading you… but you, you really never cared for what I had to say, did you? Would it have been so bad if you would have listened to me? For ONCE? You would have still been alive! You would have been somewhere far, far away from me, but you would have at least been alive!

I wish you didn't have to go. You were too nice, man. You were too fucking nice. You knew we can't be too nice if we have to survive in this world. We learnt that early enough, didn't we? This fucking world isn't a place where you are nice to each other. It's a place where you fight. You need to fucking fight for what you believe in. You need to fight to have your say. You need to fight to fucking survive! Did you forget that? Did you forget OUR goal? Isn't that why we were fighting? To survive? To have our say? To stand for what we believe in?

I wish things would have turned out right. But if they went wrong, it was only your fault. Only your fucking fault. You betrayed me, man. You betrayed all of us. You betrayed our fight. You betrayed yourself. You betrayed my dead mother and sister. How could you forget the atrocities of the Indian soldiers in our valley, in OUR home? How could you forget the death of your aunt, my mother? How could you forget Noor? She was only 12 years old! How could you fucking forget what they did to her? We were into this together! You had wanted to fight! How could you forget?? It was our fight! Our jehaad! You betrayed our cause… you betrayed our people, man. You shouldn't have turned snitch, brother. You shouldn't have.

I wish there was some way out. Even after what you did, even after I found out, I prayed to the Lord, to the Almighty, to tell me if there was a way out. There was no other way out man. That's why I had asked you to run away. I had asked you to run away, before it was too late. You should have left. You should have taken ammi with you and you should have left. Now how would I face her? What would I tell her? I was supposed to have your back! But you left no options, did you. I gave you enough warnings, enough signs, I told you enough times that you should go away, before they found out! But you couldn't fucking listen to me, could you?

I wish you would have understood. You thought it was the RIGHT thing to do, didn't you? Betraying your brother, betraying your family, betraying your people, that was the right thing for you? What did you turn into, brother? You had always honored our cause. There was only one more mission left. And then we would have been free. Forever. For the sake of the lives of a few hundred people, you betrayed your entire community? You knew, our cause demanded sacrifice. You were doing this for ammi. For my mother. For Noor. For the hundreds of Noors who the fucking Indian soldiers rape every single month! You knew, only a fucking blast can wake these people up. It's a cruel world out there. It was always going to be a life for a life. And you KNEW that! Then why did you turn snitch? It was our lives at stake. Against a few of theirs. And you chose them? You fucking chose them!

I wish there was an easier way for it all to end. I tried, brother. I tried. I prayed, day and night. I thought of all the possible ways in which it could have been easier. But there was no other way. There was not a single way. I didn't want them to find out. And trust me, they would have. They fucking would have found out. And then, and then they would have cut off your head. They would have punished you in front of ammi. I didn't want that! I didn't want ammi to suffer. At least now, at least now, they think that you died for our cause! At least now they think you died saving my life. You died a martyr, brother. You died a martyr. You are immortal now. I saved you from disgrace. I saved ammi from being condemned. I have done her a favour, I have done you a favour, I have done our community, our people a favour. And yet, I wish there was never a need to do this.

I wish you were still alive, my brother, my heart, my best friend! I wish you didn't have to go. I wish things would have turned out right. I wish there was some way out. I wish you would have understood. I wish there was an easier way for it all to end. And I really wish, I really fucking wish… I really fucking wish that I didn't have to kill you...

- Nikhil Taneja

nikhiltaneja@gmail.com